What Gate Did We Go Through?
by calamari
Summary: Tis a crossover between FMA and Stargate SG1. Major parodyhumor, be forewarned. Involves mass confusion, height problems, cat fights, dissing, a bazooka, and the impossible becoming possible for an impossible reason. Rated for language,mainly.


Fuyuka: I was bored, so I began a parody. A second one. The first was so dumb that I deleted it on spot and never wrote anything like it again, ever. Anyway….

Envy: How come I always have to make an appearance in these dumb introduction/disclaimer thingies?

Fuyuka: Cause I said so.

Envy: Who says?

Fuyuka: Wait, what? I said so. You mean who says I say so? Well, then of course I say I say so. Got that?

Envy: Ummm, not really. ……..

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or SG1 or any of its characters. I also do not own other random characters that make an appearance. If I own anything at all, I'll let you know…

Warning: This is very strange and is the result of massive amounts of caffeine on a late night. Yep.

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Chapter 1: What the hell-o?

"Chevron 477,823 encoded," said Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, staring at the gate through the glass.

"I thought there were only nine, Sam," said a slightly confused Brigadier General Jack O'Neill.

"Yes," she replied, turning to him and smiling.

"But you said 477,823."

"Yes," she said again.

"Ooohkay?" said a fully confused Jack. "Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Everyone, to 'Gate!"

Suddenly, the four of them, Sam, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c, had appeared before the now open gate, in uniform with weapons and everything.

"Teleportation?" Daniel questioned.

"Nah, the authoress is just too lazy to write out the whole process of us leaving the room and coming here." Stated Jack.

"You got a problem with that?" says I.

"It's not like you own us or anything," the four of them yelled.

"I may not own you, but I wrote the disclaimer and I can do pretty much whatever I want with the characters anyway." says I.

"Damn," Teal'c said bluntly.

"Wow, I didn't even know Teal'c knew that word," said and astonished Daniel Jackson.

Jack became visibly more and more anxiously to leave. Apparently he is a Brigadier General, and he doesn't get to go out and play much. Since I am the author, he can go play with aliens all he wants.

"Woohooo!" says Jack. (I am purposely writing "says." You got a problem with that?)

Anyway, they finally got the show on the road, the four of them running through the gate with, weapons in the air, yelling 'Ooooiiiieeee.'

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Meanwhile, elsewhere, in another place, another time, different people, different events, height differences, etc…

"DID SOMEONE JUST SAY SOMETHING ABOUT BEING SMALL ENOUGH TO HAVE TO USE A MILLIONTH OF A GRAIN OF SUGAR FOR THEIR MICROSCOPIC CUP OF COFFEE?"

"No Ed," said Colonel Mustang, laughing at the fact that Ed couldn't even be seen over the piles of overdue papers that littered his desk. "That was just your overactive imagination talking."

"Oh, so now you're saying I'm a schizophrenic?" Ed growled. Alphonse appeared behind him and restrained him from jumping into the paper pile and attacking the man laughing on the other side.

Al spoke up. "Um, Colonel, since Ed won't ask, why exactly are we here again?"

The Colonel thought about it a moment. The light bulb above his head went out. He looked up, thinking _I really should change that…_

"Well…" he said after a moment. "I don't really remember."

Just then, Envy strolled in, humming some random notes that couldn't possibly be mistaken for an actually song.

"Bastard!" yelled Ed, instinctively leaping on him. "How the hell did you get in here?" Envy pointed to the door. Ed rolled his eyes. "Besides that, I mean…"

"Easy," explained Envy. "Walked up to HQ, punched the guard at the door, walked in, and then just punched whoever else got in my way."

"Wow, that is easy," said Ed. "I ought to try that when I want escape Colonel Shit's briefings…" Al hissed something about him being bad, but Ed just grinned evilly even more so.

"So Envy," said Colonel, finally appearing after burning all the stacks of paper that blocked his view. "What brings you here on this fine day. Should we fight you, or did you just want to chat?"

"Oh, I only came to chat." Said Envy. "I want to know something about the gate, since chibi-san seems to know so much about it."

"Hey, that reminds me, that's what I called Ed here for anyway," said Roy.

"What, you mean THAT gate?" Ed asked, pointing to the tall gate, doors closed, that appeared in the middle of the office.

Everyone stared at it in silence for a good full minute.

"OMFG? How did that get here?" Mustang yelled, just noticing the humungous gate the filled most of the room. "Alright, who did the alchemy…"

Everyone shook there head. Even Black-Hayate, who joined everyone in the room.

"Oh, hey Black-Hayate, nice of you to join us on this fine day." Said a happy Roy. "Wait, if you're here, then that means…" He suddenly cringed.

"WTF, OMFG, TTYL?" yelled a baffled Riza Hawkeye, who proceeded in taking out her gun and firing 6 rounds at the gate. She threw down the hand gun and pulled an Uzi out of nowhere and emptied a clip on the gate. Finally noticing the bullets had no effect, she shrugged and joined Ed and Al on the couch. "So what were we talking about?"

Everyone had blank stares, since they had already forgotten what they were talking about, until the gate began to open.

"Run! We're all gonna die! It is the end of the world! Hide the tomatoes!" Yelled Ed. For some unknown reason, he hid behind Roy.

"Fullmetal, what are you doing?" asked an amused Roy.

"Well OBVIOUSLY," began Ed, "the Apocalypse is coming since the gate appeared on it's own and is now opening… on it's own. I'll hide behind you so you can die first."

"You, know," added Envy, "You've got a good point. I read the paper this morning and it said the Apocalypse was today."

"Envy, are you sure you didn't just read the tabloids?" asked Riza.

"Well, yeah, otherwise I wouldn't know all of this important and most definitely true stuff."

"THEY'RE NOT TRUE!" yelled everyone, even Black-Hayate.

("…or are they," added Ed, but I guess no one heard him through all the silence.)

Envy gasped. "What? You mean everything I've ever read for the last 50 years is a lie? Even Bat-boy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He ran into the corner and curled up into a ball.

Suddenly, the wide open gate emits the Star Wars opening theme (which I don't own.) Actually, it wasn't the gate. It was the stereo on Roy's desk.

"What _is_ that?" asked Hawkeye.

Roy shrugged. "I don't know, but the guy I bought it from said it had surround sound and 5 disc tray and AM/FM radio and such. It sounded like a good deal, even though I don't know what any of that means." He smacked the top of it a couple times to try and turn it off. That didn't work, so he smashed the coffee mug into one of the speakers. That only half worked, so finally he resorted to burning it all together.

Ed was prodding at the open gate. He poked it once, nothing happened. He poked it again. Nothing happened. He threw a chair into the blackness. ("My chair!" said Roy.)

The chair flew back out, barely missing Ed only because he was short enough to avoid being hit, and it flew out the an open window.

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Temporarily back to another place.

"What the hell?" said Daniel, as a chair flew into his face through the gate he was about to run through. "Who throws chairs? Why did it come through in the first place? Isn't that not supposed to happen? Why is it made out of such nice oak?" Infuriated, he picked up the chair and threw it right back through.

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Back to the other place.

Ed continued to prod at the gate, not noticing the chair that flew out just an inch above his head. Back in the depths of the gate, he thought he could make out a faint sound. It gradually got louder.

And louder.

And louder.

"OOOOOOOOiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Said the sound.

Four figures ran out of the gate, weapons in the air, and bulldozed over Ed.

"AAAHHHHH," yelled Roy, on sight of the four.

"AAAHHHHH," yelled Jack, on sight of Envy.

"AAAHHHHH," yelled Envy, on sight of Daniel.

"AAAHHHHH," yelled Daniel, on sight of Al.

"AAAHHHHH," yelled Al, on sight of Teal'c.

"Oooh," said Teal'c, on sight of Riza.

"Bitch," coughed Riza, on sight of Sam.

"What!" said Sam, who thought she heard Riza say something.

"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?" cried Ed, no longer bulldozed. "Wait, what?"

Roy had a sudden thought. "Wrong show, dumbasses." Actually, I made him say that thought since he would probably never actually think it. "Who _are_ you?" Roy asks of the disembodied voice (moi.)

"The question is who are you?" asks I. At this, the entire conversation was dropped.

"Hey, who gives you the right to call us that?" yells Daniel. He turned around and saw the weird looking gate thingy, with all the eyes and stuff, behind him. "What gate did we go through?" Well, there is only one gate that they could have gone through. What kind of question is that?

Sam looked at the gate then back at all of the other people in the room, then back at the gate, then the people, then the gate, then the people, then the gate on more time, and came to a conclusion. "Something's wrong here."

"Hey, you people," Jack said, pointing his gun at everyone but his own team and Ed, since Ed was behind him and he didn't notice. "Where's the Stargate?"

"The _what?_" asked Roy, making the most confused face that anyone could ever make.

"The Stargate," repeated Jack.

"The what?" asked Roy.

"The STARGATE," repeated Jack, only louder and slower this time as though he was speaking to someone not speaking English.

"The WHAT?" asked Roy.

"The freakin' Stargate! What are you deaf!" Jack preceded in yelling at Roy, who continued to ask the same thing over and over and over.

Apparently, everyone else in the room was getting fidgety over being ignored for so long. Especially Hawkeye. See, she was getting fed up with this as soon as she entered the room altogether. So she did the only logical thing to get everyone's attention.

The bazooka that had blown away part of the ceiling about the room, as well as the roof in the room above, caught everyone's attention as they turned to a slightly annoyed Riza.

"WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND FIGURE THIS OUT! I'VE GOT MORE INTERESTING PAPERWORK TO DO!" With that, she took a seat on the far side of the room, giving everyone the mother of all glares. Envy winked at her insane hotness, so she shot him in the head. After a second he got up again and everyone clapped.

"How'd he do that?" asked Sam.

Envy shrugged. "Magic." He walked out in the hallway whistling that non-musical music again.

"Yeah, magic seems like the reasonable answer." said Sam.

"But it doesn't solve anything else," growled Riza. The mother of all glares turned into the evil eye. "I suggest you people start discussing." She said, loading another clip in the Uzi (yes the one from before.)

"That seems like a reasonable idea," said Sam.

And the discussion commenced, yadda yadda yadda. SG-1 explained their situation, FMA half-explained their own, so on and so forth. In the end, nothing made sense at all.

Suddenly, someone else entered the room. "I can explain the unexplainable, but only to the point were the unexplained _can_ be explained. I have not idea what I just said." Said the voice of the newcomer.

"GAAAAASSSSSSPPPPPPPP!" said everyone upon the newcomer's entrance.

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Yes, this is extremely dumb, silly, and random. I wrote each part between the hours of 1 am and 2 am on various days, with a lot of caffeine. The end of this chapter started to get a little lame. Sorry. I didn't know how to end something so random.

I realize that this crossover makes no sense, but that's why I wrote it as a parody. Whatever, please review. Also, if you want, suggest a random person to make an entrance (yeah it can be pretty much anyone) and I might take that suggestion and make that person the character for the explainer. (The person to which everyone said "GAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPPPPP!")

Please review, don't flame me, but review. I'll gladly take any other suggestions as well.


End file.
